Since I couldn’t find a way to rewatch Smokin’ Aces for free in order to prove that Georgia (Alicia Keys) and Sharice (Taraji Henson) are totally a couple, I decided to write some synopsizes of movies which I have never seen and which are also not available through Netflix.  I will not read any official summaries or looked at the posters.  This is all from memory and imagination, folks!

To make this list, each film needs to be a) in IMDB’s top 200 movies of all time or b) on the list my s.o. made of movies “You absolutely need to see, like, seriously, have you been living under a rock?”.  Further, c) I have to have heard enough about the film over the years to make hilarious guesses about the plot.

Bad Boys II

The Cover: Will Smith and some other dude are looking in opposite directions against a blue background.  Both are holding guns.

Bad Boys II - Film
Oh man, Martin Lawrence is in this movie! (Also, nicely done, me.)

What I’ve heard: Hot Fuzz is strongly based off BBII and Pointe Break; I am severely missing out on the nuances of that movie by having seen neither of them.

What I conjecture: This is a buddy cop movie in which the two titular characters reunite.  They both have families and this gives Will Smith a chance to wistfully look at a photo of the woman he has left behind to take care of one last sting before retiring to public life to start a Muay Thai gym.  The buddies once again discover corruption in the course of their investigation and have to shoot their way out of it.  There is a lot of action and shooting guns in the air while yelling “Aaaaaah!”

 

Pointe Break

The Cover: Beautiful, beautiful Keanu is looking over his shoulder against a blue background.  There might be someone else and guns, maybe even a mountain.  Who cares, though, it’s Keanu!

Point Break - Bilder, News, Infos aus dem Web
Ocean spray, mountains; close enough. I also refuse to remove the extra ‘e’ from my version of the title.  Though, now I wish this were a film about competing ballet troupes.

What I’ve heard: I saw the trailer for the remake whenever that came out, so I feel like I have the inside scoop on this one.

What I conjecture: Keanu is an undercover FBI agent tasked with breaking into an anarchist/Xtreme sports/eco-terrorist group.  Since the original came out in the 80s or 90s, extreme sports are probably limited to surfing really, really big waves and skydiving.  Since this was the 80s/90s, I’m also going to say this has even less nuance than the remake, so Keanu starts to see the gang’s side, but in the end brings the leader in for justice.  I’m going to guess that the leader in the original turns out to have some nefarious purpose at odds with the hippy bros’ overly idealistic hopes of saving the world through totally righteous tricks.  This is the film in which we discover a point in a man’s brain where if you shoot it, it will explode.

Rocky

The Cover: Sly is bloody and bruised but his glove is held up over his head.  He won, yay! (Way to go, Cover, you gave away the whole damn movie).

Rocky - Movie DVD Scanned Covers - 262scan00331 :: DVD Covers
I’m sorry for doubting you, Cover.

What I’ve heard: This is not the one with the robot butler, nor training the scrappy Afghanis to fight the Russians, nor the one where Sly and another fellow celebrate a successful run by skipping and hugging and splashing in the ocean. It probably also isn’t the one in which he gets married. (Fun fact, my aunt made the cake for that scene!)

What I conjecture: Sly is Rocky Balboa, a guy from Philly who likes to run up way too many steps while listening to Eye of The Tiger.  He is a down on his luck dude who gets into barfights, but in a hapless kind of way.  He doesn’t mean to start anything, he is just always looking at people weird.  They start it, but he ends it.  Discovering this not so hidden talent for beating the living hell out of people, he decides to start training in earnest and go legit.  He eventually fights reigning champ Dolf Lungren and triumphs.  Take that USSR!

 

Close Encounters

The Cover: Another blue background, this time with a house and strange lights.

CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND: Blu-Ray (Columbia 1977) Sony Home ...

What I’ve heard: Aliens.  The close encounters are with aliens.

I really hope this is like another movie I saw where tiny, cute machines fly around a house and get caught in ridiculous situations, like getting caught in overturned colanders and interacting with family pets.  I cannot find the title of this movie, but I found the following synopsis during my search: The Invader (1997) “Good alien from a dying race must impregnate an Earth woman to avoid extinction of his race. Bad alien whose race helped wipe out good alien’s race doesn’t want to see this happen”.  I love everything about this.  This is the official IMDB synopsis of the 3.8/10 film. I really want the aliens in The Invader to be named “Good alien” and “Bad alien”.

What I conjecture: I’m betting Close Encounters is thematically dark, with a lot of doubt as to the aliens’ intentions. We never see the aliens or their craft, but each scene including a near meeting is blotted out with spoOOooky light.

 

Roadhouse

The Cover: Patrick Swayze is drying a glass in front of a neon bartending sign.

Roadhouse (yes that Roadhouse) was almost a video game. | The Nerd ...

WATCH: Oliver retro-reviews Roadhouse
I’m including two covers on this one.  The first to show how spot on I am, the second because I am delighted by how the marketing department sexed it up.

What I’ve heard: Patrick “Motherfucking” Swayze rips out someone’s larynx with his bare hands.

What I conjecture: Patrick “Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner” Swayze is just a small town bartender minding his own business and serving vaguely under aged teens in between dance numbers when a biker gang rolls in.  The gang leader declares that the bar and everything in it is his.  What follows is a Die Hard style retaking of the bar and ultimately the town.  There are Molotov cocktails, a young love interest who gets captured/threatened, and finally a mano a mano showdown.  Swayze rips out the fellow’s throat.

Also, while double checking the conjunction for “mano a mano”, I stumbled on this:

Metaficción fantástica en La mano del comandante Aranda de Alfonso ...
You’re welcome.

 

 

Manchurian Candidate

The Cover: A red American flag is pattern is transparently laid over a background of the US Capitol building. The red here indicates danger.

... Scanned Covers - 1560The Manchurian Candidate 1962 Cover :: DVD Covers

The Manchurian Candidate - Movie DVD Custom Covers - 452The Manchurian ...
Holy crap, Frank Sinatra is in the original!?!?

What I’ve heard: I’ve heard the phrase Manchurian Candidate in conversation, but that’s about it.

What I conjecture: The main character, who I’m going to say is Denzel Washington, is an up and coming Senator.  He stumbles onto a conspiracy involving the best liked Presidential Candidate, who is really a Chinese sleeper agent.  After a downward spiral of increasing paranoia, D.W. shoots and kills the candidate.  To his horror, it is revealed he was really the brainwashed Manchurian Candidate all along.

 

Das Boot

The Cover: A boat.

What I conjecture: It is a movie about a boot.

Das Boot
Nope.

 

 

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